Memorial Day Cook-In

Rain.  Screw the rain.  We'll barbecue in ponchos.  We need a grill.  Fresh out of grills at Target.  Screw the grill.  We'll go to Harvest Time and get crazy produce and meat and make a feast that will challenge Bobby Flay! 

Simple Slaw

1/2 head of green cabbage, cored and shredded
1/2 medium carrot, shredded
1/3 c apple cider vinegar
1/4 c sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1/4 c extra virgin olive oil

Whisk together vinegar, sugar, salt, and pepper in a medium bowl. Toss in cabbage and carrot, and refrigerate for 2 hours. Toss in olive oil and serve.

Dill Potato Salad
3 large red potatoes
2 green onions, sliced thinly
2 Tbsp fresh dill, chopped finely
3 Tbsp plain Greek yogurt
1 Tbsp mayonnaise
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp fresh ground pepper

Place whole potatoes in pot of salted water. Bring to a gentle boil, cover and simmer for 20 minutes. Remove from heat and leave potatoes in the hot water for another 20 minutes, or until fork tender. Remove potatoes from water and let cool. Mix all other ingredients in a medium bowl. Once potatoes are cool, slice into 1" chunks and fold into dressing mixture. Add more salt or pepper to taste.

Cheesy Onion  Surprise Burgers

2 square ciabatta rolls

3/4 lb ground chuck

1 sweet onion, caramelized

1/4 lb horseradish cheddar cheese

Salt, pepper, garlic powder, cumin to taste

Lettuce, tomato, mustard, mayo to taste

Heat a panini/George Foreman grill to medium high heat.  Preheat toaster oven or broiler to high.  Divide meat into 2 equal parts.  Mold the meat roughly into a doughnut shape, but don't make a hole, just an indentation in the center.  Place an ounce of cheese and onions in the center of each, and press the meat gently over the top to seal the holes.   Flatten each patty when sealed, and place in the grill.  Close grill and sear until desired temperature.  Slice ciabatta rolls in half, place remaining cheese on open faced bread, and place in toaster/broiler until cheese is melted.  Dress each burger with remaining onions, lettuce, tomatoes.  Enjoy!

Berry Fizz (adapted from Martha Stewart's Berry Spritzer)
6 oz. fresh raspberries
6 oz fresh blackberries
1/2 c sugar
1/3 c fresh lemon juice
1 c bottled grape juice
1 liter club soda (Can be substituted with champagne, if you're frisky)

In blender or food processor, liquefy first five ingredients.  Pour mixture though a fine mesh strainer into a medium bowl.  Use a spatula to press puree through strainer, if necessary.  Discard seeds.  Fill a lovely glass 1/3 full with puree.  Add crushed ice.  Slowly pour club soda to fill glass.  Mix with a swizzle stick and sip until you're happy!

Stitch 'n Bitch Loaded

Welcome to Stitch 'n Bitch Loaded, where you don't need experience to be a Hooker! You too can be a part of this wild, weekly, Wednesday experience every week from 7pm to 9pm. Bring your needles, hooks, yarn, string, floss, whatever you're working on. Jenny, our lovely and talented host will liven your life with luscious libations while playing the roles of DJ and bartender. Don't know know a treble crochet from a hole in the ground? The illustrious Jessy is here to teach you! As fast as you can say "worsted weight," she'll get you casting on, and hooking to your heart's content. Join the raffle for one of Crafty McSchnafty's adorable Fruit Suits, given away every week.

Don't delay. Join the hottest Hookers in Chicago!

If I Knew Then

Bret Michaels has been on my mind, like many others from my generation.  A couple things before I get sappy:  Never was there a prettier boy in glam rock.  Bret was the absolute apex.  I wanted lip gloss like his.  He was so beautiful, I forced myself to focus on the more attainable drummer, Rikki Rockett.  Facing the Bret fantasy was too much for my adolescent, Aqua-Netted heart.  There was plenty of room on my walls, but I taped up a Poison poster in my closet because I couldn't deal with Bret's image in my actual bedroom.  When Open Up and Say... Ahh! dropped, I got the early unedited cassette jacket, because I was such a devoted and speedy fan. 

Watching the late showing of Oprah last night, I couldn't have been the only one who got misty as oh-so-composed Raine verbalized her feelings about her rocker dad's mortality.  She's obviously a well-adjusted kid, accustomed to medical issues with Bret's diabetes.  Then I stepped back and thought about what a hot mess his family life must be.  Oprah rolls the montage of his girlfriend, their two kids together, then clips from this Rock of Love slut-fest.  Sidebar: I have very little interest in reality television, and I don't have VH-1, so I basically live in a  make-believe world where the show never existed.  And how real is it, really, if he goes home to his family at the end of the day?  I'm probably getting into fan territory I'm unequipped to respond to, so be gentle.  Anyway, this montage showed me the life of a rock star in the truest sense.  Bret has made the choice to live life on is terms, despite health and lipgloss issues. 

I've listened to Look What The Cat Dragged In about seven times on my Grooveshark playlist.  Hearing I Won't Forget You drummed up memories of my bad choices in music, hair, and clothing.  To be honest, though, I didn't go too far over the line as far as being an obnoxious teen.  There are things I could've done that wouldn't have killed me, wouldn't have ruined my chances at a career.  In fact, a few different choices might have made my tween photo albums a little more interesting.  I wanted action.  I cried tough.  For Bret, and his rock star lifestyle, I dedicate a list of...

8 Rock Star Things I Should've Done in School, But Didn't

• Lied about not having a chaperone, and gone to the Pearl Jam show with Julie.
• Dyed my hair Cookie Monster Blue.
• Smoked pot with the first guy who offered it to me (I won't name names, but I totally shamed him when he offered, and have felt badly ever since).
• Sung House of the Rising Sun a little more gnarly at the guitar concert sophomore year.
• Skipped out on my paper route for a day to participate in the spelling bee in 7th grade (I know, dorky on dorkier.  But I thought I had a future in hurling newspapers, and didn't want to risk it for some silly potential scholarship).
• Would've replied, "je m'en fou" when my guidance counselor told me she didn't think I'd benefit from taking French IV class. 
• Turned in my application to the quirky Beeps gift shop in Nob Hill.  Their application was a one-page Xerox copy framed with funky clip art, and after filling out the necessary info, I colored the whole thing with crayons. Then I had second thoughts and threw it away.  Looking back, not only would they have hired me, they probably would have made me a manager.  
• Made some effort at improvising.  My guitar teacher tried to give me the tools, but I was too scared to make a mistake in front of the class.  And my whole musical career has followed that same path. 

I would've made a top ten list, but I could only come up with eight regrets.  I suppose it's fortunate to have only a few.  I hope Bret is all better soon, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for The Apprentice final, and I'm going to order hard copies of my two fave Poison albums today.

Picks, Pirates, Potables, and Pastry

Today we'll take you on a journey of Craft Night, where girls get together with needlenose pliers and guitar picks.  Mix CD's will be made, pub cheese will be devoured, and the gossip will fly amid Key Lime Cupcakes and Brown Sugar Daiquiris, on this installment of Lifestyles of the Broke and Crafty.  

The lovely and talented Kelly invited us into her home for a Pirate Party.  We listened to iTunes all night, and Kelly made mix CD's for each of us from her vast collection of music.  Dramatic Irony was the craft goddess for the evening.  She brought us guitar picks, beads, findings, and tools to make rock star earrings.  In addition to heavy metal, there was fire involved.  I burned my finger perforating a pick with a hot needle, and feel like that just adds weight to the whole rock star vibe of the evening.  Everyone's earrings turned out beautifully.  I'd say it was one of our most successful Craft Nights.

Aside from sequins and hot glue, the most important ingredient for a good Craft Night is food.  Yes, we like a little drinky, but if there's no pub cheese, we just sit there like lumps at the work table.  Actually, we've never had CN without it, and I shudder to think what would really happen in that instance.  We're all watching our spending habits, and when Kristin showed up with generic crackers, we immediately forgave her.  But each of us had the silent, nagging fear that she made the same choice with the pub cheese.  Not our gal!  Rondelé, all the way!  Crisis averted.  

I had the whole day off, and decided to make cupcakes from scratch.  Harvest Time was having a sale on Key limes, so the choice was obvious.  I found this Southern Living recipe on freshcrackedpepper.com, and made a couple small adjustments:

Bree Lime Cupcakes

1 3/4 c cake flour

1/4 tsp sea salt

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 c (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature

1 1/4 c sugar

2 large eggs

1 1/2 Tbsp Key lime juice

3/4 c milk, with 1 Tbsp lemon juice (substitute for buttermilk--who has buttermilk in the fridge?!)

1 Tbsp finely grated lime peel

Preheat oven to 350˚. Line two muffin pans with liners.  Whisk flour, salt, and baking powder together in a medium bowl.  Beat butter in a large bowl until smooth. Add sugar, beat to blend.  Beat in eggs, one at a time, then lime juice, and buttermilk.  Mixture will be curdled, fear not.  Beat in a third of the flour mixture, then a third of the "buttermilk" until smooth, repeat until ingredients are incorporated, then fold in the lime peel.  Fill liners about 3/4 full, and bake 20-25 minutes.  

Bree Lime Buttercream Icing

1/2 c butter, softened

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/8 tsp sea salt

1/2 tsp cream of tartar

1 (16 oz.) package powdered sugar

3 Tbsp Key lime juice

1 to 2 Tbsp milk

1 1/2 tsp lime zest

Key lime slices for garnish

Beat butter, vanilla, salt, and cream of tartar at medium speed until creamy.  Gradually add powdered sugar alternately with lime juice and milk, a little at a time.  Beat at a low speed until blended and smooth after each addition.  Beat in up to 1 tablespoon additional milk, for desired consistency.  Fold in lime zest.  Frost away!

Finally, the brown sugar daiquiris.  So, what do you do with 20 ounces of Key lime juice after you use the 4 tablespoons of juice you need for the above recipe?  You drink it, silly!  Real daiquiris are very delicious and very easy.  It's a 1:1:1 ratio of lime juice, rum, and simple syrup.  Simple syrup is a 2:1 ratio of sugar to water, gently boiled until the sugar dissolves.  You can make a lovely clear daiquiri with silver rum and white sugar, but I chose brown sugar, and although it wasn't picture-worthy (kinda dishwater brown, if you ask me), it was a delightful libation that was gone in an instant.  

Newbie DIY Fair Vendor Survival Guide

Yesterday I was part of Indie in the Windy City's craft fair at Chelsea House in Uptown.  20% of all profits went to support Cornerstone Community Outreach.  There were all manor of crafters, and I'm learning more every day about participating in fairs. 

Levels, levels, levels.  At my first craft fair, I didn't even have a tablecloth.  Observing other vendors, I learned that I needed more than just a pile of stuff on my table.  This time, I brought Mannequiña.  Not only is she a superior model, but she creates a nice contrast to stuff lying on a card table.  And rather than pulling Schneeds on and off my own head to explain a weird clothing concept, she stands completely still and her hair never gets staticky.  I also now have a bushel basket for the Fruit Suits.  Next I plan to get some sort of shelf-y thing to stack up legwarmers and folded bikinis. 

Support thy neighbor.  If you are all you have, do your best, but it's really helpful to work in pairs.  That way, you can take breaks and have someone to hold the door for you.  My partner in crime is the owner of Mother Of Hermes Press.  This is the second fair we've been a team, and we'll be working Pitchfork in July.  Participating in a charity-based craft fair feels good, and it seems people are more inclined to purchase your product if it supports a cause.  And if you make some money at the fair, go ahead and buy a little something for yourself.  I couldn't resist the butterfly wing necklace from Bugs 'n Bones.  The pics on her Etsy site just can't do them justice--it's really one of the most beautiful pieces of jewelry I've ever seen.   

Marketing is as important as the product.  When we're talking about DIY fairs, my heart wants people to fall in love with my Fruit Suits, even if they're empty and stuffed in the bottom of a barrel.  My recent plastic fruit acquisition has helped with display, as has the lovely and talented Mannequiña.  I've also invested in clear vellum bags, green tissue paper and Crafty McSchnafty Stickers, so that my customers can help me advertise on their way out the door.  My next purchases will be a large folding table and a wheeled duffel bag to help with transport. 

This concludes my report on how to survive as a newbie.  Stay tuned for more words of wisdom.

My Plagiarized Article From The Chicago Sun Times

Hooking is a way of life for North Sider

May 3, 2010

BY MARK J. KONKOL Staff Reporter

Bree Gordon is a hooker. She even has a hooker alias -- Crafty McSchnafty.

"I'm a hooker with a lot of experience," Gordon says with a sly smile, over coffee in Uptown. "My mother named me after the classy call girl in the movie "Klute." So, really, I was born for this."

Bree Gordon is a crocheting craftswoman who is part of a social knitting circle at Mother's on Division. She also fronts a Ukrainian wedding band.

Gordon says her husband doesn't mind. In fact, he's very supportive -- after all her hooking brings in a little extra cash.

Wednesday nights, you'll find Gordon working the room at Mother's on Division with a bunch of other hookers. They drink beer and listening to rap music while they go about their hooking -- crocheting (and knitting), that is -- during the singles bar's weekly knitting circle dubbed "Stick 'n' Bitch."

While other kids were learning the trick to downing a beer bong in one gulp at New Mexico State University, a nerdy friend was teaching Gordon how to crochet. A perfectionist, Gordon quickly fell in love with the exactness of the yarn work.

"I find it's like architecture, building a structure," she says. "I like the math and perfection of it. Every time I knit self-striping socks to look identical, I do a little happy dance."

But it wasn't until her husband had a serious health scare a few years back that she really got, well, hooked on it.

"He was in the hospital for a month, and I had hours and hours sitting there to either go crazy or do something," she says. "I knitted 300 scarves. My husband didn't have insurance, so I raised a little bit of money selling those scarves. I sold all of them."

Her husband recovered after a kidney transplant. And Gordon, who lives in Edgewater, took her yarn work to the next level. She graduated from rectangular blankets and scarves to hats and leg warmers. A while back, she put together her first bikini.

And she has recently come up with a new knitted concoction she calls the "fruit suit." It's a yarn button-up wrap for the brown-bag lunch set aimed at protecting fruit from getting bruised. Plus, Gordon says, the fruit suit will ripen a green banana overnight.

"It's really ridiculous," Gordon says. "But I got the idea from my always-serious friend who, after she had a couple glasses of wine, said, 'I want you to knit a sweater from my banana. But make it look just like my banana.' She cracked herself up. A couple days later, I had one for her. She was giddy."

Now, Gordon knits fruit suits for apples, bananas, oranges, peaches and pears and sells them for $12 apiece on her website, craftymcschnafty .com.

A secretary by day, Gordon says she hopes that one day all this hooking and needling might become a successful business.

If not, she's still chasing the dream that lead her to Chicago in the first place -- to sing the blues. She fronts a Ukrainian wedding band called Rendezvous.

"I don't know the traditional songs, but in the second set, I sing some Donna Summer, Lady GaGa. I'll sing anything. I'm a stage hound."