Pad Thai Chicken Salad

During my illustrious, yet short-lived career hustling men's clothing in Marshall Field's in Water Tower Place, I fell in love.  With a salad.  The chicken pad thai salad from Wow Bao.  A half salad and a couple BBQ pork steamed buns made me forget all about the endless pile of Buffalo jeans I had to fold upstairs.  The dressing smells like dirty feet.  You gotta trust me on this.  It's amazing. 

Never tried hacking a recipe before.  I lifted the basic recipe for the dressing here: I didn't pay attention to the salad recipe at all.  After a little tinkering, here's what I came up with.  It made two big salads for my lunches and about a cup of extra dressing.

Dressing

1/2 c boiling water

2 Tbsp tamarind paste (yes, I made my own--maybe you can find it at a Thai grocery?  The link tells you all about tamarind and making your own paste)

1/4 c. packed brown sugar

1/4 c. fish sauce

2 Tbsp chili paste

Juice of two limes

3 Tbsp sesame oil

Whisk water, tamarind paste, and brown sugar until all is dissolved.  Whisk in fish sauce, chili paste, lime juice, and sesame oil.  

Salad 

Handful of rice noodles (I used about 1/3 box)

4-5 leaves green leaf lettuce

1/4 c. roughly chopped fresh cilantro

2 Tbsp roughly chopped fresh basil

2 Tbsp roughly chopped fresh mint

1 1/2 c. bean sprouts

1/4 c. chopped peanuts

1 c. blanched snow peas

1 c. shredded napa cabbage

1 chicken breast, baked, cooled, and sliced

Crushed red chili flakes to taste

Slice of lime (optional--very pretty!)

By all means, use less red pepper or lime.  I like a lot of spice.  I start by putting the noodles on the bottom of a bowl, toss the lettuce and cabbage with the herbs, and place them on top.  Then add the chicken, peas, sprouts, red chili flakes, peanuts, and place the lime on the side.  Keep the dressing in a small container until ready to serve.  You can add/substitute any veggies you want.  Water chestnuts and tiny florets of blanched broccoli are perfect.

Spring Ombré Nail Tutorial

Ombré is pretty hot in nail fashion, and I'd never given it a try until this week.  Ombré is just a fancy word for shading.  Light to dark.  There are a couple ways to do this, and I suppose I took the route that required more polish, less tools.  There is a spongeing technique that I will inevitably investigate, but this way is more magical, I think.  Ignore the white flowers for now--that's a whole other tutorial!

Pink ombré with white blossom stamp.

The polish:  You need bottle of clear and a bright red.  I like Wet 'n Wild's Clear Protector, and Spolied's I Tripped On The Red Carpet.  That red's got a little shimmer, and is a predictable, bright red that looks nice even under fluorescent light.  Anyone who works in an office like mine, sees their red polish change from candy apple in the sunshine to maroon indoors.  Drop 10 drops of the red into the clear bottle.  Shake well and get ready for the magic.

The technique:  5 layers of polish, plus a base coat.  After a good base coat, paint just the top 20% of the nail, like a French manicure.  Dry.  Next layer, start at the 40% line.  Paint right over the first layer.  Dry.  Then paint 60% of the nail.  Dry.  Then 80%.   There should be a nice gradient effect going.  It will be very pale pink near the cuticle, and get brighter toward the tip of the nail.  If you like the look, throw a clear top coat on and be done.  If you want a little more pop, paint over 100% of your nail with your transparent blush polish.  You can do anywhere from three layers to six or seven, depending on how patient you are with dry time.  

The white flowers are from the Konad stamping system.  I'll explain that in another blog.  Happy polishing!

  

I'm Bach-Man

Been a little while since I blogged.  Here goes...

One of the first songs I learned in voice lessons was I'll Never Fall In Love Again.  I hated it.  It was hard and jumped all over the place.  It made falling in love sound just awful, too.  I was just a pup.  Five years later, I got my first CD, Spike by Elvis Costello.  I didn't know anything about Costello except that Darryl Hall made an appearance in his video for The Only Flame In Town in the early 80's.  The CD was a gift, and as much as I wish my roots had that much integrity, I was listening to a bunch more Monkees and B-52's at the time.  Eight years and many boy band CD's later, I found myself channel surfing and landed on Sessions hosted by David Byrne, another singer I didn't really care about.  I paused because he seemed so gosh darn earnest when he talked about this gal who was about to sing an integral part of the next number, My Thief.  Elvis' introduction seemed over the top,  and I figured he must be sleeping with this waif singer for her to get such high praise for a phrase or two.   Another 14 years have slipped by--I more than totally get it, now.  All the discussion, orchestration, and grandeur sent me to Hastings to purchase Painted From Memory, B&C's monumental collaboration that is still in my top five albums of all time.

Today, while flipping through songs on a Spotify Natalie Cole radio station, a familiar song came on, but a version I'd never heard.  A cut off a Steve Tyrell album of Bacharach ditties.  My eyes widened.  I turned up the volume and stared at my boss.  Could it be?  Was The Blob not the most unusual Bacharach gem?  My boss stared back, equally quizzical.  I searched around and unearthed this version, by his only other other half that I dig, Dionne Warwick, singing an early demo version of Naked Eyes' Always Something There To Remind Me.  Revelation.

As if by magic, another coworker, in passing, mentioned the recent Gershwin Awards ceremony where Stevie Wonder brought the White House down with one of Bach's best.  Before I had a chance to look it up, this coworker stopped me, emphasizing his preference for Miss Chaka Khan's version of Alfie.  Burt's worked with everybody.  He's done every decade.  His music is complicated and schmaltzy, and I don't ever want these modern classics to stop.

Burt Bacharach, I would like to add you to my life list.  I want to sing one song with The Roots, spend three hours onstage with Queen, and I want to be your muse.  Even just for three and a half minutes.  I want you to stand up from your piano bench and boss me around.  I'll sing whatever you tell me to.

Thanks For The Laughs

Thursday morning, after battling a case of the mean reds, I reached out to the Facebook world at large.  "Okay.  Make me laugh.  Go," was the plea.  The voluminous responses were what I needed, and I found my friends' rapid responses, sharp humor, and outpouring of love to be an epic update victory.  I kinda wanted to give awards to the top three, but... well... they're all winners in my eyes.  So everyone gets a special prize. 

And now, the 1st Annual Annhialation of the Mean Reds Awards.  The AMRA's.  I like you.  I really like you!

 Snorted With Laughter Before Even Opening The Attachment:

Matt Conway with Between Two Ferns Starring Zach Galifianakis and Bruce Willis.

***

Breakthrough Response (First Pun):

Shoryu Nohe with, "I entered ten puns into a pun contest to see if I could win. No pun in ten did"

***

Perhaps Not Outright Laughter But Moment of Pure Joy:

Calming the Baby Beast by Amber Bel’cher

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Pioneer Spirit:

Mike Holmes with the first response,“Wang Dang Doodle”

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Most Trusted and Least Likely to Be Researched:

Literary Character "Dangerous Beans" submitted by Chris Del Campo

***

Most Initially Confusing, But Eventually Hilarious With Some Cajoling:

Paige Bailey with Hyperbole and a Half

(She actually had to sit me down and read it out loud to me)

***

Best Callback to a Devilishly Unrepeatable Situation:

Phil Blakley with "Yesterday. Key Department. 5:30ish."

***

Inception Award:

Josh McDowell with his dream about being pregnant with African American twins. 

(I'm pretty sure I'm going to be dreaming about this for weeks.)

***

Pushed Over The Edge Award:

Marcel the Shell With Shoes On by Jessie Burns

(Something about the title always turned me off when other people posted this, and I’ve avoided it for months. Thanks for the push, Jessie!)

***

Sexiest Response:

Donald Crawley with "Red Pants"

***

Magma Award:

Buffalo Bill Reidler with "A big fat guy doing 'hot pants' and 'Liberace' during Cranium"

***

Laughy Paper Baby Double Take:

Baby Laughing Hysterically At Ripping Paper by Julie Baum. 

(Not to be confused with the also hilarious Laughing Baby. I was fully expecting little Ethan of days gone by, but no, there is another baby out there that thinks ripping paper is the shit.)

***

Laughy Baby Quadruple Take:

Green Carlson with Quad Babies Laughing

***

Sigh of Relief Award:

Pacman Ghosts Discuss TV submitted by Brandi Clark

(The relief I feel for not having to regulate what kids are watching on the internet is immeasurable)

***

Eeriest Resemblance To Stuff My Brother and I Used To Do:

Crazy Frog Brothers sent by Ashlee Clark.

(Gonna watch this a lot.)

***

Youngest Competitor:

Marisa (via Michele DesJardins) with the brilliant "hobo."

***

Does This Category Really Need A Title?:

"Your Mom" by Kathy Hollingsworth

***

Eleventh Hour Response:

Dick Rundell with Laughing Record

Thank you for all your entries, and see you next year!!

Candy Corn Fail

Cooking time 5 minutes.  Clean up 1 hour.  Time in counseling to get over the shock of it all?  Indefinite.  This is my story about a Alton Brown's recipe for  candy corn.   Here are the ingredients.  

Step 1: Basically sugar in various forms, butter, dry milk.  

Step 2: Sifting.  So far, so good.

  

Step 3: Mixing.  Boiling.  Waiting for 230˚.

Step 4: Not liking the color, but going with it.  Trusting Alton Brown...

Okay this color is all wrong, but maybe it's rustic candy corn.  

When cool enough to handle, most is hard as a rock.  We fashion homemade See's Candy caramel pops from the molten material.  It's ugly, but tastes wonderful.  Try steps 1-3 again.

Hello!  The color is right!  Let's let it cool for 10 minutes.

Aaaaaand it's hard as a rock again before we can get the dye incorporated.  

This is what our candy corn looks like in the trash.  

My mom and I trudge on, and recreate Kojo Designs' Felted Wool Wine Sleeve.  And we chew on hard toffee caramel all night.  The end.  

Wine Snuggly

If you're like me, most of your friends are winos.  Next time you visit, bring them a snuggly to help hide their shame.  This design is inspired by Adventures in Dressmaking.  

First, clean out your husband's closet.  If he's testy, go to the thrift store.  Think cheap, act like a lady.   You're looking for a basic button-up shirt for this project.  Get yourself a pattern you'd never wear.  Go nuts, it's a present.  

Cut one of the sleeves off, about the length of a wine bottle.  I like my snuggly to hide the whole bottle, so that I can lie about what's inside.  You may be high class.  You might have bought an expensive Cabernet, and want to show it off to the world.  In that case, Moneybags, you can make your snuggly to reveal a little neck.   Have fun and don't stress about measurements.  

Next, flip the arm inside out, and straight-stitch the open arm that you just cut off the body.  Give yourself about a 1/4" seam allowance.  If your sleeve is an extra large, like the one shown here, you may want to "box" the seam.  That means you start at the hemline, and start stitching, almost perpendicular to that line.  You're basically creating a rectangle from a more triangle shape.  Look closely at the picture below, and you'll see these lines in orange thread.  

Now is a good time to do a fitting.  Grab one of the dozens of wine bottle lying around the house, flip the sleeve right side in, and play dress up.  If the measurements seem right, move on.  If not, there's nothing wrong with shortening the hem, or grabbing the seam ripper and giving it another shot.  When you're happy with the look, it's time to trim off the excess.  

A nice finishing touch is serging.  I don't have a serger, but you can use the zigzag setting and sew right along the edge.  In case your wine bottle rides a lot of motorcycles, or likes jumping on trampolines, this ensures durability and strength.  And it looks nice, too.

With a simple tie of a ribbon, your snuggly could be done at this point, but if you're feeling industrious, go grommet.  I got a great 1/4" grommet set from the hardware store, and it was much less expensive than the sets at the craft store.  Mark six equidistant spots along the cuffline.  Again, this is a matter of preference.  Close it up top, or give it an Izod flipped collar look.  Cut small holes where marked, and get to work with the grommet set.  It will inevitably come with instructions.  In short, you punch a hole, stick the male part of the grommet through the hole, fit the female grommet end over that, insert the grommet tool, and hammer it together.  Did I mention not to do this craft late at night? 

Now that your grommets are in place, thread a yard of ribbon through the holes.  For the aforementioned industrious crafters, use another part (like the pocket - thanks for the idea, Mom!) to sew up a cute bag to attach to the snuggly.  This can hold a business card, a petite corkscrew, or a gift card to your favorite shoppe de hooch.   Throw a grommet on the corner, and you have a way to hang it on the snuggly.

Place bottle in sleeve, and make some friends!

FYI, this is the second attempt at the Wine Snuggly, and the grommets are a little lower than previous pictures.  I like to show some wine cleavage.  Again, you could go without the grommets, but I love pissing off the neighbors.  

1-2-3 Batik!

Two days.  One charity.  Ten ladies.  This is the biggest and most fun UCN to date.  We're crafting for charity, and also hoping for a shot at a big prize.  Most of all, we're all learning a new craft.  Batik.  Here's how ya do it:  



Materials

100% Cotton dishcloths,

machine washed and dryed

1 lb beeswax

1 lb paraffin wax

Tarp or table cover to protect against wax

Various colors fabric dye (Dylon works better than Rit, FYI)

Various sizes paintbrushes

Electric fondue pot

Tarp to cover workspace

Dr. Bronner's Castile Soap

Buckets for dye

Large stockpot for rinsing towels



You can start with a clean white towel, or you can dye the towel to achieve more colors in your design. We started with a little of each, so you'll see both outcomes.  At right, you can see the magic of dyeing fabric in a small urban apartment.  I used a baking pan lined with plastic wrap, and tried to keep my splash factor under control.  After letting the dye sit for an hour, I rinsed and hung the towels in the sun to dry. 

Wax-On

Speaking of small spaces, I don't know how we got ten giggly girls, and equal amount of 30" x 30" dishcloths, a fondue pot, two bottles of champagne, guac, Pub Cheese, and Snacker Crackers all in one Chicago dining room.  Somehow we managed.  The effervescent Amanda hosted this first of "Double Date UCN."  We turned her dining table diagonally, and added an extra six-foot table to her space.  We draped a couple big sheets of medical grade paper sheeting over the workspace, and placed the electric fondue pot in the center. 

On medium heat, we heated a pound each of paraffin and beeswax in the pot.  It took about ten minutes to turn to liquid.  Everyone stretched their cloths out in front of them.  We had enough room to drape the top halves on the table, and planned to paint in two stages.  Once the wax was heated through, we turned the knob down to the lowest setting and dipped our brushes.  We had a variety of very small artists' detail brushes up to 2" jobbers.  We were all a little timid.  Except Tina.  She went for it, giving us all the green light to create.  Mau would be proud of her artistic abandon.  The first stroke told a lot.  Our wax wasn't seeping right through the fabric, so we gave it a little more time to heat up, and got back to work.  Most of us had some idea of a design, but it was fun to just wing it with the wax.  It goes on just like paint, and makes the fabric translucent.  Because the wax turned cold on a dime, we had to work quickly.  And our project was done in no time. 

The dishcloths stuck to the table cover in the waxy spots, but that's nothing to worry about.  We were careful, however, not to capsize the fondue pot in extracting sticky dishcloths.  That was the end of phase one, and we found ourselves with way to much time to celebrate Kelly's engagement, and marvel at the antics of Mr. Handsome.  

Shut Up and Dye

Phase two was in my dungeonny laundry room, with access to large basins and a fearless concrete floor, indifferent to dye splotches.

You gotta do batik with cold dye, because you're working with wax.  But dissolving dye in cold water is tricky.  I suggest preparing the dye in a bucket with a couple cups hot water and salt.  Once it's all dissolved, pour the directed amount of cold water into the mix.  We wet the towels with clean, cool water, and put them in the bucket of dye.  We stirred occasionally, allowing the cloths to soak for an hour.  During that hour, we were invited across the alley to the fire station for a warmup at their fire pit.  We brought them cake pops (blog to follow), and they offered a standing invitation to have ribs at their cookouts.  Yay, firemen!

Back to reality, wearing rubber gloves, we removed the cloths from the dye, and rinsed (without wringing) in cold water until the stream ran relatively clear.  We hung the towels on a line, and when they were reasonably drip-free, I sent the girls home with their towels in plastic bags, and assigned their homework.

Wax-Off

After line drying for 24 hours, I placed one dishcloth in a large stockpot, and covered it with water.  This is where the magic happens!  I added a 1/4 cup of Dr. Bronner's Castile Soap to the water and brought to a boil.  If you do this at home, keep an eye on the pot, and stir to keep the dishcloth moving around.  You won't even need to bring it to a complete boil to see little puddles of wax coming to the surface of the water.  I let the pot gently boil for 10 minutes, and removed from heat.  I went to see a movie. 

Once the water cooled, there was a bunch of hardened wax on the top of the water, dishcloth at the bottom.  The wax will never come out if you don't wait for it to cool, trust me.  I threw as much wax as possible in the garbage, dumped the water down the drain, and repeated the boiling process with clean water. 

As a final step, I threw the towel in with my dark laundry, and washed on the cold setting.  It seems like a laborious project, but it's worth it to get the last little bits of wax off.